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Long Distance Relationship Interview

The following questions and answers are based on an interview conducted by Cassandra Kapp, an award-winning first year journalism student at Northwestern University.

What’s an LDR?

An LDR is a relationship in which a couple regularly spends time apart from each other whether days, weeks, months, or years.

To me, LDRs are a kind of glorified relationship, one that is full of romance and excitement, and urgency and celebration, harkening back to the medieval times of courtly love A strong loving LDR is one of the powerful, awe-inspiring kind of relationship you may ever experience in your life.

Cultural profile of a student coming to college in an LDR:

LDRs among incoming college students are more common these days because there are many cheap and fast ways to stay in touch. I think incoming freshmen in LDRs started their relationship in high school and doesn’t want to end it simply because their locations differ. I think it is a mature thing to do, to stay with that partner even though it may be personally and socially inconvenient at times. Making a dedicated attempt to stay together shows flexibility, a willingness to compromise, and dedication. All of these qualities are crucial for turning any ordinary relationship into an extraordinary one.

Now that it has become more affordable and common for younger people to travel, they do just that—travel across the world and wind up falling in love with someone from another country, most likely speaking a different native language. Normally these affairs might be labeled summer romances, but now since communications and transportation has become cheaper and easier, there isn’t a good reason for a couple to simply split up (if they are truly in love) unless they prefer only to be in a relationship in which their partner is physically present, or if they believe it is impossible to be together in the future.

What are some other qualities needed in an LDR?

Love is necessary and having a romantic nature helps too, but also:

• Respect
• Determination
• Openness

Are college students more or less successful in maintaining LDRs than older adults?

I think if a strong love is shared by two people, whether young or old, then the couple will survive the obstacles. Older couples in LDRs, such as the ones serving the war overseas, often have practical reasons such as kids and a house, in addition to feeling a strong bond. However, when it comes to love in its purest form, I would say that college students are more successful at maintaining their LDR than older people, simply because younger people often have more energy and passion in everything they do; they are hopeful and excited about love and believe in the good of its power.

How does long distance affect a couple in general?

Absence prevents the daily interweaving of events, big and small, in each other’s lives, which is crucial to feeling emotionally connected to each other. But with a lot of effort, you can interlock your lives together so that your relationship is resistant to vulnerabilities.

How do LDRs affect students in particular?

In addition to juggling school, work, hobbies, and friendships, a lot of time and energy is needed to maintain an LDR. Some people argue that non-LDRs are more time-consuming because the partner is right there, but at least those couples can overlap their activities, such as eat and talk or study at the same time.

In my opinion, LDRs often cut into time a student should probably be studying or sleeping due to long hours many LDR couples spend on the phone most nights.

Socially and personally: Some students find that their social life is imbalanced. If you’re too involved with your relationship because you’re always flying back and forth and glued to the phone or internet, then your LDR may overshadow your social and personal life.

Financially: Students don’t always have a lot of money left over at the end of the month or semester due to phone bills, flights, hotel stays or extravagant visits and gifts.

Academically: Everybody loves a good reason to put off writing a paper. When you’re having a problem that you’re not able to resolve in your LDR, it can be very difficult to concentrate on the task at hand.

Emotionally and mentally: If you are in an LDR, you have to expect some ups and downs as in any relationship, except that in LDRs they can be more intense and frequent. These emotions and mental states include depression, jealousy, guilt, demotivation, distraction, and an inability to enjoy university life.

It can be a lonely path at times since the partner isn’t around to share all the triumphs and disappointments. On the other hand, it is important to remain grateful that they are blessed with having someone special in their life, even if he or she lives 3,000 miles away.

What advice can you give to students in LDRs?

Sometimes phoning and chatting aren’t possible when time zones clash and there you are sitting in class feeling distracted because your boyfriend who lives 1,000 miles away hasn’t contacted you in two days.

Find as many ways as possible to interweave your lives together so that it is as richly textured and tightly woven as if you were an emotionally close couple physically together.

Imagine a braided rope. Each strand symbolizes a way that you relate daily to your partner. One strand represents reach out to your partner, for example sending a postcard or a CD compilation. Another strand represents interacting with your partner such as phoning or video conferencing. The third way signifies synchronizing your actions, for example watching the moon or eating the same kind of chocolate at the same time. The more strands you use to braid your rope, the more resilient it will be to stress and strain. This idea of synchronicity is in the “Cruising Altitude” chapter my book The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook.

Any other advice for LDR couples?

Remember that even though things don’t go according to your expectations sometimes, that it doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship or partner. Learn to express your concerns in a straightforward, calm way when you are not upset. Pour as much positive energy as you can into your relationship—make this time the most memorable and breath-taking stage of your relationship.

Please visit my LDR blog again soon and contribute your own LDR concerns and experiences.

I’ll leave you now with an inspirational quote: "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~ Bernice Johnson Reagon (singer, songwriter, historian).

Sincerely,

Sylvia Shipp

Author of The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook